endless_musings

Today was a little better than yesterday I suppose and in someways not. I woke this morning weak AF again. I wasn't able to fall asleep until 6:30am due to pain in my bones and muscular twitches and trembles. I received a text from a friend around 7:30am who needed a favor later in the afternoon but I was so exhausted I thought I had dreamt the text. Seriously I think I was out of my mind. I was able wake up around 9:00 and be productive until about 11:30am and then was exhausted again. I had to nap until about 12:30pm. This exhaustion is really aggravating I have so much to do and that needs to be done and a feel like a freaking potato.

I was able to gather enough strength to shower and eat some soup before heading out to help my friend. However later today the breaks went out in my car so the drive home as so damn scary I am glad to have made it home safe. I will look further into this in the morning. I hope it is not major but considering this is the second time this has happened since January I believe there is something substantial gong on. I am going to wait until I get my results back from the last tests that were run to see what is truly going on in this broken body of mine and come up with a game plan of how to tackle life. My follow up is on Monday and I hope the results from the scans come back before then. I am so tired of waiting in limbo.

I also was able to help my Grandma at her church with my son in tow. We labeled books to be given to children at the Church's Easter Egg hunt on Saturday. We also filled Eater themed gift bags and decorated a photo back drop for family photos and it turned out so cute. The others that were there stuffed hundreds of eggs. The church is on the smaller side and mostly older people but they have been so welcoming to my Grandma that I don't mind helping out from time to time as long as I have the energy to do so. Plus I get to spend time with my Grandma who is my absolute world. She told one of her friends that I am her rock and best friend; that means the world to me. I hope I have her for a good long time but I am trying to make the best memories possible.

Tomorrow I am hoping to pay some bills and write return letters to some of my pen pals. I am also hoping to grab a coffee with one of my friends as well and catch up on a few things around the house. Here is hoping I get rest tonight and have some more energy tomorrow.

It's been a long darn time since I have written in here. I don't even know if anyone reads this thing or not but it sure is therapeutic to get my thoughts out. So much has gone on since I last updated mostly in and out of crappy jobs that pay to little were not what they were advertised. Why do companies think it is okay to take advantage of people and treat them like garbage? I mean isn't there supposed to be a shortage of workers and yet they are still trying to pull this mess? I have decided that I will now only choose jobs that I am happy in and am treated well by the people I work for. I don't care what kind of job it is. I am giving up a work a home office position due to toxic clients and personnel. I do not regret my decision.

Since the start of the year, I have lost 4 people (3 due to cancer and the other due to heart issues) and it sucks so bad. Grief will eat you alive especially when you have no time to process one death before the next. This is another reason why I am looking into other options as far as work is concerned. I think it is more to that though I am really struggling to find balance in all aspects in my life. I feel like I am moving towards a new season in life and feel like so many of my thoughts and even interests are changing, sometimes I don't even really know who I am anymore.

I am going to spend the week looking for new employment and reconnecting with myself. I am not going to stress over much as I have really been struggling with triggers due to my complex PTSD, anxiety and depression. Some days are better than others, but I think I am starting from the bottom and staring my climb upward into a new positive direction. Thankfully I have the support of family and friends and that makes all the difference in the world.

The weather was so beautiful this morning that I could not stay home I am so happy to have the weekends off at the moment, I feel like I was missing out on so much. PB and I decided to head over to the Winter Park Farmers Market as when have not been to this area since before that Pandemic. There were quite a few vendors and food trucks at this market. One of my favorites was the Fresh Lemonade Stand, I got the watermelon lemonade it was so sweet and refreshing and definitely nice to have as we walked around in the hot sun. We also purchased Strawberry/Bananas and Nutella Crapes and ate them in front of one of the fountains at the park the farmers market was at. It had a very European feel to it all and made me long for my childhood. I also bought a package of Candied Cashew nuts they smelled so good I had to get them. They took me back from when my Grandfather had taken me when I was in 6th Grade to see my first Broadway show Camelot with Robert Goulet as King Arthur. During intermission my Grandpa got us each a roll of these wonderful treats and I was hooked, every single time I find these out in the world I think of this moment and him. Oh how I miss him so.





What I love about farmers Markets in Orlando is there is always so many Dogs. Here in particular there was a great many Golden doodles, they were so fluffy and ever so soft. The owners were so sweet and let us pet a few of them. I must admit by the end of it all, I too wanted a Golden doodle of my own. I don't think my Chihuahua's would be happy though if that ever came to pass.

After we had had our fill of the Market we took a walk down park avenue and checked out a good many of the shops that were there. I was able to find a throw
pillow that had a west highland Terrier Printed on it and it looks almost exactly like my Westie Cody who passed away just a few years ago and who I still miss greatly. This pillow will look great in the living room and I can give it a squeeze when I miss my old pal.



We ended the day by taking a drive over to the Twisted Root Burger Co off of Aloma PB really loves all of the Burger choices here. For me being less than adventurous I stick with the basic burgers for the most part. However it's always a good time.

Here I am playing catch up once again on this little outlet of mine. I still don't know if anyone actually reads this thing or not but I am still happy to have something that is a recording of my thoughts and feelings. I love writing so much I don't know why I don't do it more.

The last time I wrote in here was well over a month and a half ago it damn near feels like a life time ago. So much has happened since then but I will try to do a quick recap of everything.

First and Foremost my little Angel of a Chihuahua Nacho became really sick his vet seems to believe that he had a heart attack or a virus (Covid Virus...Yes animals can catch it too) as the enzyme levels in his blood work were off. He became so weak and stopped eating at he was still drinking and urinating though. I had to make a little harness to support his weight when I would take him out to use the rest room. The poor thing was on his last legs and my heart was breaking for him. The vet suggested putting him down but stated that he didn't seem to be in any pain at the moment. I told her I would hold off for a bit take him home and see what I could do. For 18 days I syringe (with a children's medicine syringe) I gave him Bone broth with added fats, Meat baby food and Fruit baby food to get his bowels working again and pedialite. I would wake up every 3-4 hours to feed him and care for him. I sang to him, read to him, watched movies with him and did everything I could to assure him how much he was loved and cared for.

On the 18th day We were sitting on the couch watching a Hallmark movie (yes Nacho likes to watch TV) and I was eating a Granola bar. Nacho started becoming really interested in what I was eating and I offered him a bite and he ate it. Gobbled it down and wanted more. This was his first real solid food the whole time he had become ill. I ran to the kitchen and gathered any meat I could find for him and he ate his fill. I cried tears of Joy as I knew this was the positive step to get him on his road to recovery. He had already lost so much weight and had become Jaundice. Once he started eating the meat after a few days he started eating his solid dry dog food again as well. Needless to say that since then he has become a chow hound eating anything and everything that is healthy for him. I make sure that he has chicken daily along with his dog food. He has put back almost all of the weight he has lost and all of his colorations have come back. His personality has returned as well as his strength and he is running and jumping and back to his old self again. He is nearly 10 years old (he was adopted but based off the age they gave us and how long we have had him for I would say this is an accurate estimation) but being that he is a Chihuahua I was not ready to give up on him and live without my little side kick. I knew he was strong and a fighter. I am so glad I gave him the change to recover and not just put him down. Everyday that I have him is truly a blessing and a gift.

Nacho is not the only one with health challenges I myself have been going through some issues of my own. I don't want to get to deep in my issues on this type of forum but basically a mass was discovered on my liver that is precancerous and is currently being treated it is small and was caught early enough so I feel optimistic. Also my pancreas is also failing and I am being treated with several medications and treatments for that as well. So far things are working and there has been some improvement as over a month ago I would get violently sick anytime I would eat. Also my blood sugars levels would be really high or really low depending upon how my body decided to function. I have spend a good deal of the last month in and out of bed due to fatigue and side effects to my treatment and medications but I am finally starting to feel normal again.

The last major bit of information and the first time I am talking about this on any social forum due to a non disclosure agreement I was made to sign. On August 6, 2021 I was laid off from my Job. The Orlando office leaving only the Arizona and California offices in our division. I had a feeling this was going to happen due to certain contracts not being renewed due to Covid. Again I can't talk too much about it but it's just sad that we were a little blindsided and didn't even really get a chance to say good-bye to anyone. That's the way it goes sometimes. I honestly didn't even mind that this happened. I wish I could give reasons for that but that would break the non disclosure agreement. However what I can say is that I meet one of my dearest friends N at this job. She has been my rock through this whole past year. We had each others back thick and thin. I told her she is the best thing to come out of that job, and I mean it. In fact she is such a good friend that she found us another contracted Job working for an HR firm. My contract starts in about 3 and half weeks and it will be working from home again. I am so excited to be working with her again even though we are way more closer than work besties.

I am taking advantage of this down time to finalize some of my treatments and get as strong and healthy as I can until then. Maybe even work on a few projects between now and then too. Who knows but I am enjoying my time off as my vacation since I would have most likely have taken it by now. I can definitely say having gone through so much in the last month and a half I feel like I am stronger and more mentally sound for it.

Today I am finally up and running with my Work computer again. I am not going to lie I enjoyed the days off so much. I just wish I could have slept more instead of being just on standby which consisted of laying either on the couch or in the living room watching real haunting documentaries on youtube and amazon prime. I tried to read a few chapters of my current book called Confession of a Buddhist Atheist by Stephen Batchelor. I have been trying to read this book for the last 6 months but I just can't seem to get into it. I am currently four chapters in now and I am going to do my best to stick with it as I really think the pay off will be worth it based on the description notes of this book. It's just so hard to read when my condition flares up and the pain in my head will not go away. I will try for a couple of chapters a week though and maybe more if I can help it.

Speaking of reading I do want to get into a good summer read once I finish this one. So if anyone has an suggestions please let me know.

Today was very slow at work and this is scary to me as I think they have already laid off some people and now they are always offering people voluntary time off. I hope things pick up as this is not a good sign. I really like this job and feel lucky to be able to work from home. I also like how I am not micromanaged either. I can't stand that. I am off tomorrow. Maybe Monday business will pick up a little more.

On the health front I am still dragging so I can't wait to be able to rest after this shift is over. I am using the Air fryer to make dinner before getting my son off to work. I hope I can get some good rest so that we can go to the farmers market. I also plan to meet up with my new friend from the night of the fire pit so I hope my energy can hold out.

Tonight was a night that was much needed for my soul. Tonight we had a get together with two friends. One of the friends was new and this was my first time meeting her. Like me she has a lot of things happen to her. Why is that? Why do bad things happen to the best people? I just don't get it. It's like do people become a better version of themselves due to the bed things that happen to them. Are they like Diamonds that were once coal and through all the pressures and hard times turn into something truly beautiful? I really hope that is who I have become. I really hope that I am a friend and love one that is valued within my small circle. Sometimes I have insecurities but I am trying to come out of my comfort zone and simply be present.

Tonight was a night of Pit fires, Drinks, good food and even better music. It felt so alive to hang out with people and in person. There is something to be said about human connection that I feel was truly taken for granted before these days of the Covid 19 virus. The whole fact of seeing someone's face again is such and exquisite thing. We can start to laugh and branch out and have good times again.
Tonight showed me that I can bring a little bit of healing and take away someone's pain if just for one night. To be able to understand someone's hurts because mine have been the same. Can you connect with someone through similar traumatic experiences and bring a sense of peace and harmony back to someone's life? I hope so or in the wise words of a mentor I had from long ago "Leave it cleaner than you found it." I have adapted these words to "Leave them better than you found then if you can." I haven't always been the best person to depend on especially when I have had my own tragic things that have happened over the years and it has taken me a long time to process thing in a healthy way and to find out exactly who I am. If fact I am still working on my best and true authentic self but that story is for a different day.

For now though my heart is full and grateful for the people I have in my life these are the people that have been there through thick and thin. My pack is a small one now but it is a strong one. I need more nights like these under the stars sharing stories around the fire and making memories that are more precious than gold. This is when I am truly at peace. Love and light xoxo

I can't believe that it's already Tuesday this weekend flew by way to fast. Sunday PB and I went to Gatorland. Our annual passes expire next month and for now we are deciding not to renew them until possibly after the summer due to it being way to hot here in Florida to be hiking around the park and melting to death. We fed all the parakeets, Goats, sheep, cow and capybaras and visited some of favorite Gators. This place has been very good to us over the last year. Giving us a chance to be in public but yet be outside where it is a little safer and to also spend time in nature to get our exercise in. We always try to have lunch or buy a little of something to support the park. I hate how much the tourist industry is still suffering at the moment. This weekend we got lucky they had several local vendors out and we were able to buy all sorts of treats PB was able to try Mexican Street Corn for the first time, he of course loved it. We also had empanadas and fried plantains from another vendor which were amazing all hand made on the spot. I also purchased an Ornament that could double as a large necklace with a map of St. Augustine on it. It is so pretty and well made. The Girl who was selling them had a few wanderlust inspired items and was donating a percentage of her proceeds to victims of Human Trafficking. I had to support her and her cause. Before the pandemic I was looking into organizations to see if I could volunteer my time to help. This may be a good time to branch out and see where I can best put my efforts.

These last few days have been a little difficult I have been battling Chronic Fatigue due to my neurological disorder. I have been wanting to do nothing but sleep these last two days. I really hate all of this sometimes as it seems that I have one day of fun and I pay for it for three to four days. That sucks so much. However on the Brightside I have gotten smart and learned to use my crockpot and other hacks to get through these days until I have the energy to do more. It's hard sometimes when people don't understand what having an illness like this is like. That you don't always have the energy to go out and do a lot of things or never know how you will feel day to day. Making it hard to even plan things in advance. I try though and do what I can to live the best life for me.

The last few days at work have been pretty good. I had a challenging situation happen yesterday and my head manager stated that he was listening and watching to what I was doing to resolve the situation and he was impressed and that I handled things very well. I was over the moon with this because I do so many things behind the scenes that often management has no clue of to turn peoples days around. Not that I need the recognition but it's good for my manager to know the quality of work I do.

Going to try to end the night with a little bit of cleaning and a little TV time.
I am hoping Wednesday goes well. I really need a good work week this week as I battle through this illness. Hoping for the best.

Finally starting to get things in order in my life. I really need to start writing in here again for some mental clarity. I even pulled out my old lap top just so that I can get back into writing again. I know that I am on a computer all day at work but writing medical and transport notes is not the same as doing a mind dump or some creative writing as the mood hits. I have also caught up on all my pen pal letters so I really need somewhere to just release all these words from my noggin.

Over the last few weeks a few male friends have reached out to me. Not out of any real need just sniffing around as to my current relationship status and such. They know damn well what my status is but you got to give a hand to these men who will try anyway to get their needs me. God forbid a woman did this and she would be listed a whore. It's such a double standard. For the time being if people are going to waste my time in this manner I am not even going to respond back or even more waste their time. Mind you these were men when I was single couldn't commit to anything. If they want to live their life that way it's all fine and good but at my age I prefer to spend time with one person and invest time and energy and making a relationship flourish then to jump from partner to partner. To each their own I guess but I value my time and as it is each week seems to go by faster and faster and unless someone has found the fountain of youth; I don't have time for the bullshit.

I don't know if the hardships over the last few years have made me harder or if I have just learned to protect my heart a little more and understand that my love and attention are not something to just be thrown around to everybody just because they are simply there or in my life. I have learned the hard way that people will just and abuse niceness because they can. I have had my own family members stab me with the preverbal knife if the back and it's been hard to forgive let alone forget. For years these people who have judged will never know the abuse I endured and the decades that I put my life on hold to care for others and simply survive. Would I do it all again if I had to of course but with some changes I would speak up more instead of keeping things a secret to save face and I would most definitely stand up for myself. My dad made me promise him that I would stand up for myself and it's taken me a few years to learn to do so. I must admit though it is pretty empowering. That and I feel like the older you get the less you give a damn about things and what people think.

My god how wonderful to not have to live in a bubble or a clique of people just to be with the "in crowd". One of the offices I previously worked at had this problem and these people were like little creatures flitting about spreading idle gossip and the like. If you were not in that crowed they let you know it. The thing is though these little creatures were mere mindless little things that basically survived off of their meager wages and off of mommy and daddies money oh the ignorant bliss to be in your 20's and being young and to think you know everything. I know a few people that still try to roll like this and they are about to be in their 40s. Some people never change I suppose.

I guess I just have a hard time with seeing why people can't accept my way of life. I try so hard to live with in my means and while I am not a minimalist I am trying hard to pair down the material things in my life so I can appreciate the things I do have. I am trying to break the generational errors of over abundance that plagued some members of my family. For a good portion of my life I was ruled but the silent crowding of unloved objects and they did some damage. No longer will I allow people or things to rule over my life. I have the scars, anxiety and complex PTSD to attest to all the wrongs I have been dealt but even with all of this; I reclaim my life.

Good Bye Halloween! Halloween is one of my favorite holidays. I am so sad to see it go this year. It was kind of bittersweet due to Covid. Halloween Horror nights was cancelled though I was able to take my son to see the two haunted houses that were offered this year at Universal Studios. They were so good. I think our favorite was the Bride of Frankenstein. Though we did also enjoy the tooth fairy house as well. This time of year we would also have made it out to Seaworld for their holiday events but again with Covid we decided to save the limited spots for the little kids. We also have not reactivated our Annual passes for Seaworld since Covid. Maybe for the holidays but it also depends on what are true holiday budget allows.

For Halloween we went to the Science Center to check out the Traveling Pompeii: The Immortal City Exhibit. Orlando is one of only three sites in the United States to host this Exhibit so we feel very lucky even if we were the last trip on the tour. We were able to see a lot of authentic artifacts and a 360 view presentation at the beginning for the exhibit which was very thrilling. At the end of the exhibit they had a room that had castings of two people that were killed from to volcano. It was so emotional to see. One day I think I would like to go to Pompeii in person.

The last part of the day I had one of my dear friends to enjoy the Johnny Depp version of Sleep Hollow on the projector. We enjoyed pizza and halloween candy and was a relaxing night with good conversation. I miss hanging out with friends so much. This night was definitely good for my mental health.

My son also had a nice surprise on Sunday night one of his best friends who is in the Navy and currently stationed overseas surprised him with a text that stated he was out on the porch. My son got a little emotional but was very happy to see his pal. I think he too needed to hangout with a friend.

Here’s hoping for a Nice November and a reminder to be thankful for those that we have in our lives.

Happy Thursday! I can’t believe that the work week is almost over. I am happy that it is going by so fast. I need the weekend. This past weekend was spent with Grandma and was very low key. Mostly because due to transitioning at work it took 3 weeks to get a pay check. Going from getting paid weekly to Bi-weekly is going to be a huge transition. It’s been several years since I was on a pay schedule like that. I am going to make the most of it and maybe it will help me increase my savings a bit too.

This new year coming up I want to focus on finance, Improving my credit score (mostly medical from the past) and investing in my home.
I have been studying finance over the course of this year and now that I have employment with steady hours, I think reasonable goals can be established. Ever since my parents passed away it has been a real eye opener how much I have had to stand on my own two feet financially and how there isn’t really anyone to fall back on when things get hard. I am so very thankful for a supportive partner who had helped me get through the challenges of this year.

Speaking of investing in to the home. Last night I found a beautiful Ikea coffee table second hand. It has gold legs and a glass top. It is a nesting table with a smaller table that slides over one end of the table. It has a bottom shelf that can be decorated with the season. I think it is a nice touch to the room.

Today we were a little slow at work so I was able to catch up on all of my Email accounts and social media correspondence. I am horrible with keeping my digital accounts in check. I am going to make an effort to continue getting them to a zero in box status at the end of each month. While I was checking my emails I received a message stating that Yahoo Groups will be shutting down. It’s been well over a decade or more since I used Yahoo Groups but they were once a HUGE source of entertainment for me and I was also able to meet some good friends from there. I miss all the fandoms, PRG’s and chat groups. These were the days before Facebook and some before even myspace. (I am really showing my age here). Rest in Peace Yahoo Groups thank you so very much for the dear memories.