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endless_musingsFinally starting to get things in order in my life. I really need to start writing in here again for some mental clarity. I even pulled out my old lap top just so that I can get back into writing again. I know that I am on a computer all day at work but writing medical and transport notes is not the same as doing a mind dump or some creative writing as the mood hits. I have also caught up on all my pen pal letters so I really need somewhere to just release all these words from my noggin.
Over the last few weeks a few male friends have reached out to me. Not out of any real need just sniffing around as to my current relationship status and such. They know damn well what my status is but you got to give a hand to these men who will try anyway to get their needs me. God forbid a woman did this and she would be listed a whore. It's such a double standard. For the time being if people are going to waste my time in this manner I am not even going to respond back or even more waste their time. Mind you these were men when I was single couldn't commit to anything. If they want to live their life that way it's all fine and good but at my age I prefer to spend time with one person and invest time and energy and making a relationship flourish then to jump from partner to partner. To each their own I guess but I value my time and as it is each week seems to go by faster and faster and unless someone has found the fountain of youth; I don't have time for the bullshit.
I don't know if the hardships over the last few years have made me harder or if I have just learned to protect my heart a little more and understand that my love and attention are not something to just be thrown around to everybody just because they are simply there or in my life. I have learned the hard way that people will just and abuse niceness because they can. I have had my own family members stab me with the preverbal knife if the back and it's been hard to forgive let alone forget. For years these people who have judged will never know the abuse I endured and the decades that I put my life on hold to care for others and simply survive. Would I do it all again if I had to of course but with some changes I would speak up more instead of keeping things a secret to save face and I would most definitely stand up for myself. My dad made me promise him that I would stand up for myself and it's taken me a few years to learn to do so. I must admit though it is pretty empowering. That and I feel like the older you get the less you give a damn about things and what people think.
My god how wonderful to not have to live in a bubble or a clique of people just to be with the "in crowd". One of the offices I previously worked at had this problem and these people were like little creatures flitting about spreading idle gossip and the like. If you were not in that crowed they let you know it. The thing is though these little creatures were mere mindless little things that basically survived off of their meager wages and off of mommy and daddies money oh the ignorant bliss to be in your 20's and being young and to think you know everything. I know a few people that still try to roll like this and they are about to be in their 40s. Some people never change I suppose.
I guess I just have a hard time with seeing why people can't accept my way of life. I try so hard to live with in my means and while I am not a minimalist I am trying hard to pair down the material things in my life so I can appreciate the things I do have. I am trying to break the generational errors of over abundance that plagued some members of my family. For a good portion of my life I was ruled but the silent crowding of unloved objects and they did some damage. No longer will I allow people or things to rule over my life. I have the scars, anxiety and complex PTSD to attest to all the wrongs I have been dealt but even with all of this; I reclaim my life.
Over the last few weeks a few male friends have reached out to me. Not out of any real need just sniffing around as to my current relationship status and such. They know damn well what my status is but you got to give a hand to these men who will try anyway to get their needs me. God forbid a woman did this and she would be listed a whore. It's such a double standard. For the time being if people are going to waste my time in this manner I am not even going to respond back or even more waste their time. Mind you these were men when I was single couldn't commit to anything. If they want to live their life that way it's all fine and good but at my age I prefer to spend time with one person and invest time and energy and making a relationship flourish then to jump from partner to partner. To each their own I guess but I value my time and as it is each week seems to go by faster and faster and unless someone has found the fountain of youth; I don't have time for the bullshit.
I don't know if the hardships over the last few years have made me harder or if I have just learned to protect my heart a little more and understand that my love and attention are not something to just be thrown around to everybody just because they are simply there or in my life. I have learned the hard way that people will just and abuse niceness because they can. I have had my own family members stab me with the preverbal knife if the back and it's been hard to forgive let alone forget. For years these people who have judged will never know the abuse I endured and the decades that I put my life on hold to care for others and simply survive. Would I do it all again if I had to of course but with some changes I would speak up more instead of keeping things a secret to save face and I would most definitely stand up for myself. My dad made me promise him that I would stand up for myself and it's taken me a few years to learn to do so. I must admit though it is pretty empowering. That and I feel like the older you get the less you give a damn about things and what people think.
My god how wonderful to not have to live in a bubble or a clique of people just to be with the "in crowd". One of the offices I previously worked at had this problem and these people were like little creatures flitting about spreading idle gossip and the like. If you were not in that crowed they let you know it. The thing is though these little creatures were mere mindless little things that basically survived off of their meager wages and off of mommy and daddies money oh the ignorant bliss to be in your 20's and being young and to think you know everything. I know a few people that still try to roll like this and they are about to be in their 40s. Some people never change I suppose.
I guess I just have a hard time with seeing why people can't accept my way of life. I try so hard to live with in my means and while I am not a minimalist I am trying hard to pair down the material things in my life so I can appreciate the things I do have. I am trying to break the generational errors of over abundance that plagued some members of my family. For a good portion of my life I was ruled but the silent crowding of unloved objects and they did some damage. No longer will I allow people or things to rule over my life. I have the scars, anxiety and complex PTSD to attest to all the wrongs I have been dealt but even with all of this; I reclaim my life.
